


Get bent, Dumblefuck

by libbixxx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Basilisk(s), Blood Magic, De-Aged Harry, Demon Powers, Dragons, Goblins, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, Harry Potter is Not a Horcrux, Horcrux Hunting, Horcruxes, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Metamorphmagus Harry Potter, Minor Original Character(s), Original Character(s), Powerful Harry, Rituals, Shapeshifting, Smart!Harry, Time Skips, Time Travel, Triwizard Tournament, Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, grey!Harry, hellhound puppies, manipulative!Dumbledore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:44:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 12,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8283040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libbixxx/pseuds/libbixxx
Summary: Harry Potter isn't tolerating any bullshit from anyone, and he's making it known. Does derail from canon when you get to the dragon, but this stuff writes itself and it's glorious.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as just a brain fart I had one evening, and has surprisingly turned into an actual thing.  
> I hope it amuses you as much as it does me.

"I award Neville Longbottom ten points." A poignant pause filled the ancient hall "And now, I believe a change of decoration is in order- Gryffindor have the cup!" the Gryffindor table exploded with noise, a rather raucous pair of twins hurling themselves every which way simply jumping around and screeching like ecstatic slugs.

  
One person bedecked in red and gold was furious however.

He decided to make this known, dramatically. Harry Potter leapt upon the table, clattering food to the flagstones of the floor, making the nearest redhead groan "the chicken" with abject misery. Taking a deep, calming breath the child's voice rang steadily throughout the hall, cutting the celebration to silence with five terrible words "SNAPE'S A GREASY FUCKING WANKER"  
"500 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR" came the thundered response from the head table.  
The boy smirked and sat down, nodding apologetically to the irate Potions Master, deliberately choosing to remain ignorant of the awed and fearful gaping of what could have been a school of fish, but for the lack of water.

The aged headmaster could only flounder in confusion, his well crafted machinations just flopping about like a merman in the desert. "It appears I may have miscalculated. Congratulations Slytherin, on your eighth consecutive victory" and with that banners fluttered back to green and the dishes cleared to make way for dessert platters.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oi gingers!"  
"Yeeeeees?" Two voices answered as one.  
"I need you two to...source...something for me, as soon as you can get your trickster mitts on it"  
The twins looked more and more alert with each passing word, grinning to each other in a way that would immediately unsettle any teacher.  
"What can we do for you, ickle Harrykins?"  
"I need a rooster, and I need it blind."  
A wary glance passed between the redheads,  
"what could you possibly" "need a rooster for?"  
The younger boy just raised an eyebrow and responded flatly "to kill a basilisk"  
Fred and George Weasley were in hysterics but managed to calm enough a few seconds at a time to tell the Potter heir that they'd have his rooster in two days.  
He thanked them, tossed the still giggling pair a bag of coins, and ambled off to the kitchens for a game of hide and seek with the house elves.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics is parseltongue, as I'm sure you could probably guess.

" _Open_ "  
The entrance to the Chamber of Secrets revealed itself.   
" _Motherfucker I'm not sliding down that._ " The boy hissed disdainfully, muttering the banishing charm at the grime before sliding down the chute.

"Hold the fucking line, how am I gonna get out? Ooh I wonder, _stairs_! Yah, that solves that. _Here snakey snakey snakey I've got a snack for you._ "  
Returning to English, the boy wondered out loud, "if I'm a bigass snake trying to be dramatic but still scare the shit out of someone, where would I hide...?"   
" _Right behind the idiot child disturbing its lair, peace, and quiet?_ " Came a disgruntled, sibilant voice from about twenty feet about Harry's head.   
"Yeah, just there, brilliant, right combination of drama and scary. _Can I introduce you to my rooster?_ " The small boy drawled sarcastically, entirely nonplussed by the enormous, centuries old creature.   
" _I'd rather you didn't. Why are you here?_ "   
Good question, Harry thought, why am I here?   
" _I merely wished to gaze upon the countenance of Salazar Slytherin's familiar and make her acquaintance._ "   
If the beast could have blushed, she certainly would have done " _begone from here flatterer, you have no business in my nest._ "   
The brunette suddenly remembered something. "Hold on, you're what's petrifying people!" At this the snake loomed in close " _not by choice, child, not by choice._ "   
Well, that made sense  
" _I, Harold James Potter, blood descendant of Godric and Salazar Slytherin-Gryffindor, do hereby forbid thee from causing harm to Hogwarts students._ "   
The snake hit the ground with a thud.   
"Fuck, didn't know snakes could faint." He checked his watch "shitting bugger I'm late for potions, Snape'll eat me alive."   
And with that the child fled, leaving the rooster with a befuddled poltergeist on his way to the dungeons.


	4. Chapter 4

"Heard you fainted at a dementor, Potter. Not very saviour-like behaviour, that."   
"Tell you what, Malfoy, try watching old snake face murder your mother whilst laughing. See if you can stay upright." With that Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived, slammed the compartment door in the Malfoy scion's face and began to rummage in his rucksack for chocolate.

A few minutes later and there was a knock at the door, and a sandy blond head poked its way into the cabin "everything ok in here? Mr Potter? Someone mentioned you took an exceptional disliking to the proximity of the dementor."   
"It's fine now uncle Moony, I've had some chocolate and I feel better. Thank you for checking, please close the door behind you." The boy said, not even looking up from his book.   
The werewolf was taken aback "uncle Moony?" He questioned hoarsely "how? What? You.."   
Harry looked up at Remus Lupin and smiled "I remember you, Remy, from when I was little, always have. And uncle Padfoot. Pettigrew too." He added, scowling darkly at the name.  
Remus was confused, "why the look, cub?" He asked, perching on the seat opposite the child. "He was the wanker mum and dad switched to, Paddy was too obvious so they used itty bitty little Peter. Mum said Peter must had betrayed them just as snakey blew the door apart."   
"I...I have to leave, I'm sorry Harry."   
The boy shrugged and threw a button to Lupin "get aunt Minnie to untransfigure this, and get it to the DMLE as soon as possible. It'll help Sirius."

Two days later Sirius Black was declared innocent of all (nonexistent) charges and paid an extortionate amount in reparations.


	5. Chapter 5

"Albus, why does my godson think you'll interfere with him living with me?"  
The headmaster was once again stunned by Harry Potter's words.  
"I'm afraid young Harry is right. He needs to stay with the Dursleys, the wards there will keep him safe from Voldemort and his Death Eaters."  
Sirius blanched at the mention of Lily's sister's family. "You sent him to them? Albus, they hate magic! There's nothing Petunia hates more than magic! Merlin, no wonder the kid's skinny, and flinches at loud noises. Albus they're not good people, and they're not good to Harry. The Blacks have formidable wards, you know that, and I'll re-fidelius Grimmauld, he'll be perfectly safe."

 

"Sorry pup, couldn't get through to the old goat."   
"That's ok Siri, I have an idea."

 

"Hi, I'm mass murderer and escaped convict Sirius Black, I'll be staying here for a few weeks to keep an eye on your treatment of my godson. I trust that won't be a problem?"


	6. Chapter 6

"Harry Potter"   
Every head in the room swivelled to face the teen in question.   
" _Merlin help these fucking idiots, because I certainly won't_. I, Harold James Potter, do hereby swear upon my magic that my entry into the Tri-Wizard Tournament was against my will and without my knowledge or consent. So mote it be." And to highlight his sincerity, he sent his patronus slithering through the hall, watching fondly as it darted hither and thither through the rafters.   
Albus nodded, "the matter will be looked into, Mr Potter, but for now if you would please join your fellow Champions?"   
The brunette huffed and stomped his way to the antechamber muttering to himself about plots and headmasters with too much time on their wrinkly old hands.


	7. Chapter 7

"Nice catch at the cup, by the way, good call to end it on your terms as quickly as possible. And excellent use of the Wronski, too."  
"Zis is high praise indeed from ze boy who lived to play qvidditch, I am glad you enjoyed ze match. Vot did you zhink of our mascots? Fiery tempered, no?"

"Eet ees a pleasure to meet you Monsieur Potter, I am honoured."  
"Nonsense Mademoiselle Delacour, it is I who is honoured, not everyday does one meet the daughter of a minister for magic, and especially not such an exceptional beauty such as your lovely self- how do you manage to get such a swish to your hair?"

"Diggory, for the love of Merlin stop walking so fast, some of us have short legs. Right, where was I? Oh yes. We've gotta get round dragons."  
"How on earth do you know!?"  
"Fell over the tail of one whilst looking for an acromantula and talking to a centaur.  
"Only you, Potter. Only you!"


	8. Chapter 8

" _Please don't kill me, I'm too pretty to be killed by a dragon's giant feet._ " the fourth and final Champion of the day muttered on loop as he clambered into the rocky arena.   
" _Be careful who's feet you insult human, I might just squish you with one_."   
Harry gaped at Horntail sat on its haunches in front of him.   
" _You speak parseltongue?"_  
 _"No human, you speak the dragon's native tongue, it is much older. It is, however, understood by snakes, and it binds them to your will."_  
Cue more gaping and an amused, smoky snort.   
_"Even basilisks?"_ He queried looking mystified.   
_"Yes, human child, even basilisks."_  
 _"Blimey. Don't suppose you'll hand me that fake egg would you? Pretty please?"_  
The dragon merely huffed and raised a scaly eyebrow _"why should I, human?"_ _  
"The humans on the benches would think I'm awesome? I'll undo the chains and you can go wherever you want- I've got a castle that can't be accessed by other humans, if you want to chill out there, there's plenty of horses for snacking on?_ "   
Impressed, the dragon stood on her hind legs and bowed deeply, before scooping up two eggs and handing them both to the red and gold clad wizard.   
" _The fake needs to be under water to make sense, and the second needs your magic to hatch it- she has the ability to change her size so you need never remove her from your person. She is to protect you_."   
Nodding and bowing his gratitude he wandlessly fired a severing charm at her shackles.   
" _The Potter Citadel is about forty miles from here, you'll be able to sense my magic when you draw near. Farewell, and I shall endeavour to see you soon._ "

And with that, the youngest Champion strolled out of the arena whistling a jaunty tune.


	9. Chapter 9

"Potter, if your pet won't stop threatening students it will be banned from my classroom."  
The dragon in question merely puffed a noseful of smoke at the professor and returned to dicing the daisy roots.  
"Yes sir, Gavin will be good from now on."

"Mr Potter, please keep your dragon on your desk or in your pocket during my class, she's not allowed to eat your plant for the day."

"Professor? If Gabriel's able to do it too does she get points?"  
"I beg your pardon?"  
"If Josie transfigured the pincushion into a hedgehog, does she get house points?"  
"Surely your dragon cannot do su- oh. Well yes, five points to Potter's dragon."

"Professor Flitwick, sir? Can Courtney practise the spell too?"  
"Yes indeed, please do, Miss Potter."  
The tiny dragon puffed up with pride and with a swish of her clawed foreleg the desk was repaired perfectly.

"Potter, if that dragon gets injured, it's your fault!" Oliver Wood called from across the pitch.  
"Go on Mittens, have some fun."  
Smirking, the small creature fluttered over to Oliver's broom and perched on the end, before increasing her size threefold and dragging the Gryffindor keeper away in her claws.

"We were wondering" "ickle Harrykins" "why your dragon doesn't have a name" "for more than about an hour at a time"  
Armchair Potter flapped her wings and landed on the floor, quickly growing to match the hight of the identical fifth years.  
"Because I haven't yet heard the right name." Were the words that echoed through the minds of the two redheads.  
"Fair enough" "we'll be off then" "bye Harrykins" "bye Saffron"

 

The dragon paused. " _Saffron. I like it. Harold, I shall be Saffron Potter henceforth._ " 


	10. Chapter 10

"Can't believe I'm fucking doing this. Here goes nothing." The boy took a deep breath and blurted "I'm moving to my manor and you should come too."  
There was a clang as three sets of cutlery hit plates.  
"You have a manor? Wicked!"  
"Who did you cheat to get a manor, boy?  
"As in, Potter Manor?"  
"Yes it is. No one, uncle, I inherited it. Yes, aunt Petunia."  
Petunia Dursley looked thoughtful for a moment. "Vernon, we need to pack immediately. Dudley, go get started now, we'll go as soon as possible. If you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make."

"Saffy, I need you to take this to the Weasley twins, this to Sirius this to Hermione, and this to Dumb-as-a-door. When you're done we should be at the Manor, but if we're not just get used to the grounds. I think your mother is still there, too." At the mention of her mother, the young dragon's eyes widened as she scampered to the window to deliver the letters.

"This is yours, boy? I thought your parents were useless layabouts."  
"Father was in the wizard police force, and mother assisted the teachers at Hogwarts."  
"Harry, where's my room? I want to see my room! I want a balcony!"  
Harry merely chuckled at his cousin's actions. Summoning a house elf, he instructed the adoring creature to take Dudley to a room in the east wing that matched his expectations.

" _Greetings, madam, I trust your stay here so far has been pleasant_?"  
" _It has been wonderful, youngling, I cannot thank you enough_."  
" _Saffron was more than thanks enough, I'm grateful_."  
" _She chose Saffron? How amusing_."  
_"With all due respect, how could that possibly be amusing?"_  
" _Child, when your name is Rosemary and your father's was Chive, it's amusing to see the herbal names continue_."


	11. Chapter 11

" _I'm going to eat the pink one_."  
" _Sure, just don't give yourself indigestion or leave any evidence_."

"I'm sure you are all aware of the disappearance of Professor Umbridge, however today I would like to introduce your new Defense professor- professor Sirius Black!"

"Paddy how the fuck did you get the Defense gig?"   
"By being in his office when he heard the toad was gone."   
"Nice one."

"Misters Weasley, if you would be so kind, I'd like my father's map. I'll return it, I just need to keep an eye on something."   
Identical redheads fell to the floor bowing their adoration.   
"Son of a Marauder" "We honour you." "We are not worthy." "We are not worthy."   
"Guys, chill. Oh by the way, professor Black is Padfoot. Go have some fun."

"Coils, I'm gonna kick your scrawny arse. You set those devils on me. They've been following me, trying to kiss my damn robes and declare me the Prank King of Hogwarts."   
"And you let them, of course, I bet you found it hilarious."   
"You're damn fucking right I did. They charmed a crown onto my head! It was glorious."   
"Hey Siri? Why not tell them I lied and that it was Malfoy senior and his squad that were the Marauders, and watch them flip their shit...?"

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOO"   
"OUR LIVES ARE RUINED."   
"RUINED, I TELL YOU."

"Worth it."   
"Shut up Black."   
"Harry it's just a tail, and it suits you!"   
"There's fucking ears too, so shut up."   
"Still worth it."   
"Go back to Azkaban, you flea bitten wanker."   
"You'd miss me too much."   
"You keep telling yourself that."


	12. Chapter 12

"Correct, Potter. 10 points to Slytherin."  
"Gkah!"  
"Is there an issue Weasley?"  
"Pssht! Uh, no, Professor."  
"20 points from Gryffindor for your incompetence."

"Gee, thanks for the points Potter, it'd be great to win for a twelfth year running."  
"You're welcome Malfoy. Now get out of here, Pansy is on her way over. Don't look, just leave."

" _Oh you're back early, how's your mother_?"  
" _She would like your permission to find a nest mate, she is lonely sometimes_."  
" _She's more than welcome to find a mate, and they're welcome to stay at the manor too if they want to_."  
" _I shall tell her, she will be delighted_."

"Harry, how do you think you did on your OWLs? I must have done awfully, I completely forgot about Gamp's lesser known seventeenth law of elementary interaction!"  
"Granger. Stop. I saved you from a troll four years ago. We've hardly spoken since, and I'm not changing that. Please go elsewhere. And tell Bumblesnore to be more subtle with who he sends next time!"  
"HARRY JAMES POTTER! The headmaster deserves respect! I will not have you talk about him that way!"  
"And I'll not have you talk to me that way. Remove yourself from my presence, before I remove you permanently."  
"Permanently!? Harry! Are you going dark!?"  
"Fuck off, Granger! You're pissing me off, go be a brown nosing little shit somewhere else. Tell you what, why not go back to fucking Weasley in broom closets? At least then only one person has to deal with you."  
A slow clap resonated through the corridor, one turning to two, becoming ten, becoming a whole corridor filled with whooping and cheering.  
"You'll pay for insulting my girlfriend, Potter!"  
"Certainly, anything that satisfying can't be free, here you go." And with that the dark haired teen flicked a Knut at the redhead. "Don't spend it all at once, now."


	13. Chapter 13

"HAROLD JAMES POTTER-BLACK-SLYTHERIN-GRYFFINDOR! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! THAT WRAPPING PAPER WAS AWFUL!!" "WE LOVE THE SHIRTS THOUGH!" "ABSOLUTELY GENIUS!" "SIRIUS, THATS A HOWLER YOU OAF!" "GOOD THING I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS!" "THIS AND THE BOTTLE OF FIREWHISKEY YOU JUST FINISHED, DO NOY TRY AND HIDE IT UNDER THE SOFA!" "HARRY WE LOVE YOU, SO DONT SKIN US FOR THE NAME THING, WE'RE SORRY ISH." "SEE YOU SOON"   
Harry went from ghostly pale, to uproariously laughing, to rolling on the floor crying and holding his sides, all the while everyone in the hall tried to figure out what the hell just happened.   
"Potter, what on Merlin's green earth was that?" Snapped Snape.   
The young Gryffindor could only wheeze "Dictaquill and howler parchment" before he was back into hysterics.

"Sirius?"   
A grunt came from the opposite side of the room.   
"What did you send Harry?"   
There was silence, then a book hit the floor.   
"Fuck."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this, I had no idea it'd get more than 500 hits in 48 hours.  
> Honestly I'm astounded.  
> And quite smug. (Or Smaug, if autocorrect has any input.) 
> 
> Much love to everyone that's been encouraging, I'm so glad you're enjoying this. 
> 
> Without further ado....

"So, Harrykins, all you need to do is tap your wand on the stack and it'll look like normal parchment."  
"Boys, if you weren't ginger I'd kiss you."

"I'M GONNA POUND THAT FAT ARSE OF YOURS TONIGHT PARKINSON YOU FILTHY WHORE. PERHAPS WE'LL USE SNAPE'S DESK AGAIN? DO GET BACK TO ME BEFORE I BASH ONE OUT THIS TIME, I DO SO HATE TO DISAPPOINT YOU AND THE AUDIENCE."  
"One hundred points from Slytherin and detention with Mr Filch for a month!"

"Gred and Forge. I've enclosed the memory, if you pop to Dadfoot's he'll lend you his pensieve as long as you let him watch with you."

"Filthy blood traitors and beasts in mistress' house. Oh how mistress would weep. Nasty master throwing up and crying everywhere. Kreacher doesn't even want to know what could possibly amuse the bastard so."

"Is that a new desk professor? It looks much better, less distressed and misused."  
"Get out. I want six feet of parchment on why one shouldn't disrespect a teacher on my desk this time tomorrow."  
"I. You. Gurk."  
"I SAID LEAVE."  
"Jesusbuggeringfuck yessirI'lljustbeleavingnow"

 


	15. Chapter 15

"Harry?"   
"Mnuh?"  
"What did happen in the maze during the tournament?"   
Harry cast his mind back, remembering fondly the satisfaction of confusing the fuck out of all and sundry.   
"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies at this time."

"Harry?"   
"Meh?"   
"Will you tell us about the maze?"   
The green eyed teen surveyed the bright eyed crowd in front of him.   
"Fuck it, why not."   
Almost as one the assembled mass sank to the red and gold carpeted floor.   
"Alright pipsqueaks listen up, I'll only tell you this once."   
And with that he began.   
"This is the story of how I fucked with the biggest spectator sport the wizarding world has, and cheated the ministry out of four thousand Galleons at the same time."   
Some time later, when only a few people hadn't fallen asleep, the raven haired teen finished his story.   
"Long story short, glamours are a fucking miracle, Dumbledore is in fact Dumb-as-a-door, and dragons are bloody good as a flamethrower."   
Having finished his dramatic tale, he swept off, leaving a stunned -and somewhat tired- pride of Gryffindors to mull over the most Slytherin Gryffindor since the respective founders' heirs.


	16. Chapter 16

"Oh hey Fawkes, want some crackers?"   
A long-suffering trill filled the air.   
"Silly me, of course you do. The old bastard still feeding you lemon drops?"   
The crimson and lavender bird let out a resigned squawk.   
"Poor bugger, tell you what, hop on, we'll go get you some treacle tart." The boy patted his shoulder and the phoenix lazily hopped grass to arm to shoulder and began preening the dark hair next to her head.   
"You seem bored, youngling, perhaps you wish for an adventure like your first years?"   
"Fawkes, you're a mind reader, I was just about to suggest trying to make a new passageway but I'm guessing you have a better idea?"   
"You know me so well, come with me."   
The majestic creature flew through the halls, banking easily round sweeping corners.

"The room of requirement...? This is your adventure...?"   
"All in good time, child, come on in."   
"Ruddy bird, alright I'll bite, what've you got plann-"

Whatever Harry Potter was about to say next would be forever lost, along with Harry himself.


	17. Chapter 17

"Jesus buggering fuck what the SHIT you moronic bundle of hideous feath..er...sss....Fawkes?"  
"Yeees?"  
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE!?"  
"Do you not recognise the great hall, child?"  
"You really just carted us down seven flights of stairs and you're calling that an adven-"  
"Here we go, see anything familiar?"  
"Hmm, I don't know, maybe everyone I go to school with?"  
"Use your fucking eyes, human."  
"Holy fuck this is my first year!"  
"Not quite."

  
"Harriet Potter!"  
A smallish girl practically skipped to the stool at the front of the hall, inky black hair streaming behind her.  
A few minutes passed before the hat called out "Hogwarts Heir!" and three quarters of the hall erupted with noise.

"Fawkes."  
"Yes?"  
"Why am I a girl? How am I stood here and she-me is over there? How did you even do this?"

"Thank you dear, would you care to take supper with me? It is rather lonely in my own table, even as lovely as it is."  
The house elf looked as if it were standing on nails.  
"You don't have to eat, I would simply like some company."  
The elf happily nodded. "Tippy can be keeping Missy Warts company!"  
"Thank you Tippy, I appreciate it greatly. So, tell me, how are the littlest ones settling in?"  
Tippy's eyes grew wider "Missy Warts remembers about Tippy's little ones! Missy Warts is a truly wonderful witch! The little ones is liking working, they be happiest scrubbing Snapey's cauldrons as they can sit in them and cleans."  
The dark haired child seemed to glow with happiness as she smiled. "Wonderful, Tippy! I shall have to make sure Snapey doesn't have students clean any- he'd hate to upset Taffy and Teddy."


	18. Chapter 18

"Fawkes, I need a ritual room, my good chap. I've had a spendid idea."   
"You should know by know that there are no limits to the Room of Requirement."   
"Oh. Shit, yeah, my bad. Well, off we traipse."

  
"...Et ad congregandum...eos coram me."  
A plume of flame appeared, heralding success. The problem being, what now?   
"Did you have a reason to summon me, wizard?"   
"Uh, yeah, kinda, well, not really? I was bored and wanted to see if I could."   
"Sheesh, you Potters! Every generation one of you gets it into your thick skulls to summon a demon. Well now you've got one, what do you want?"   
"Uh...uuhhhhh.....oh! A do over!"  
An eyebrow arched.   
"How far back?"   
"To about toddler age, but I need my current mind, memories, etc. and I need full access to my magic."   
The absurdly smartly dressed demon snorted, though more from amusement than derision, it seemed.   
"And what will you give me in return?"   
More "um"ing and "er"ing followed.   
"Muh? How about the Dursleys? They'll fit right in in hell."   
"You're definitely right there, I'll take them, next time you wake up it'll be the sixth of November 1981."  
And with a flare of sulphuric odour the hellish presence was gone.

"You foolish, foolish mortal!"   
Had anyone walked into the room they'd have been surprised to see a grownass man wrestling a bird. Upon seeing his ever-famed scar, they'd be less surprised. They'd probably still leave rather quickly though.


	19. Chapter 19

Petunia Dursley, neé Evans, was not a happy woman. She'd gone to get the milk that morning and had found a baby on the doorstep, a freak- she knew as she could sense the freakishness rolling from the child, with a letter stating that her sister had been murdered and the child was now in her care.

"Surprise, bitch. Imperio."

"And then I'll need you to take me to Gringotts in Diagon Alley, I have things I need."

"Greetings, apprentice Fangsparkle, may your enemies die with fear in their heart and hatred in their eyes."

"What is it, Bladeslice?"   
"Potter Manor, young sir, it seems to have a nest of dragons and some hellhounds."   
"How exciting, I'll be wanting a portkey there."

" _Saffron_! _Rosemary_! _And who's this delightful fella_?"   
" _I am Samson, as well as pleased to meet you, Lord Potter_."   
" _Pardon the stupid question, but how are you here_?"  
" _Magic_."   
" _Good enough for me_."

"Paddy! Come on, you lazy shite we've got shit to do, get up, I want to leave quickly, it's miserable here. "

"I'm gonna need more firewhiskey, pup, this is a lot to take in."   
"Coils."   
"Huh?"   
"Coils, not pup. I'm a basilisk, not a dog. Well, unless I try really hard."

 


	20. Chapter 20

"Crowley, my main man, how ya doodley doin'?"   
"Potter, why aren't you adult sized?"   
"Well funnily enough that's why you're here! I need a meat suit that I can adjust to look however I need it to."   
"You want me to make you a multi-metamorphamagus?"   
"Yeah that'd be great, thanks! I know you don't need to add words when you do it, but please?"   
"Bippity boppity fucking boop." A puff of sulphuric smoke later and a second Crowley stood smirking, immensely proud of himself.   
"Alright Potter, here's the deal. You get pretty much complete free reign of magic, multiple animagus, wandless and wordless control, legilimency and occlumency, all that jazz, all you gotta do is look after the puppies-" here the original gestured to the writhing, yelping, mass in the corner that the others had been distinctly ignoring "and you gotta respond the odd demon summoning. Though because I'm nice I'll make sure you don't get any hun-hostiles. Oh, and I want Moldyshorts' horcruxes too."   
Crowley '2.no' scrunched up his face in thought, changed it to a duck's and quacked his agreement, holding out a hand to seal the deal.   
It was just then that the audience decided to make his presence heard, "uh, are those hellhound puppies!?"   
"Yes, Sirius, they are."   
"Fucking yes mate!" And with that the man became a scraggly haired grim and dived into the more-than-slightly odorous pile of furry beings.


	21. Chapter 21

It's a Monday morning, about ten thirty, and there's a knock on the door that echoes through the manor. Odd, considering it's a huge manor, and a knock doesn't echo like that. The family seated at the table glance at each other warily, the animals on the floor all perk up instantly, and the dragon on the chandelier changes colour slightly.  
"Well, I'll get it shall I?" And so, a three year old Harry Potter, six foot four with darkish blonde hair and a tattoo he definitely shouldn't have for another fifteen years, wanders from the room, pausing at the door to gesture for one of the dogs to follow him.

"Sorry about the wait, it's a bit of a trek, what can I do for you?" He says to the awkward stranger at the door.  
"Um, hi, yeah, I live next door and, this is a bit awkward but my wife sent me round to pick up our dog? It's got three heads and eats like nobody's business?"  
This is confusing for all of about four seconds.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name?" Harry asks whilst morphing taller, his fingers growing spindly, his face elongating and turning a gaunt shade of bluey-grey, his hair turning to blue hued flames.  
"Yes, ok, I'm hades, could I possibly have Spot back? I was told in no uncertain terms that if I don't get him back by lunch time today then it's the couch for me until my wife has to go back to her parents." The man stood on the porch, Hades, is a thin fellow, dressed in a dark green suit that seems to almost be made of leaves -though that could just be detailing- out of his pocket dangles a dog's lead, large, and with three separate attachments for three separate heads.  
"Yeah, definitely, come on in, if you can pick him out from the others he's all yours. I wasn't actually sure if we'd gained an extra one or they were just more active than usual!"


	22. Chapter 22

"Severus Tobias formerly Snape, I hereby challenge you to a duel, on the grounds of harassment of a Goblin Friend, and find you in violation of the 1538 Poole Treaty which clearly states the treatment outlined for one bearing such a title."   
A sneer marred the face of the Potions Master as he digested this information. "Very well, 'Goblin Friend' Potter, I accept the duel. Tomorrow at noon, wands only. Who will be your second?"   
A deep voice thundered from the ancient doorway "I, Nicholas Spud Flamel, will stand as second for Sir Harold James Gryffindor-Slytherin-Black-Potter-Prince-Evans. Who will stand for you, Severus No-Name?"   
"No-Name!? How!?" The man fined and blustered until he was interrupted "your second, Potions Master No-Name?"   
"By the bonds of ritual blood I call Lucius Malfoy to be my second in this duel."   
Barely a half moment later and a rumpled Lucius Malfoy appeared on the flagstones. "Severus, what in Morgana's name have you done!? Dueling the Potter boy!? Ridiculous, I told you not to use me for less than an eight. I do not think an eleven year old child counts as such." The blond stood, preening himself to his usual immaculate state, only to then notice the centuries old alchemist stood not three meters away. "The boys second is the Alchemist Flamel, Lucius. This is certainly more than an eight."   
At this the lord of the Malfoy bloodline stood tall to address the bespectacled child in front of Severus No-Name the Potions Master formerly known as Snape.   
"Mister Potter-" "That's Goblin Friend Slytherin, to you." The elder male blanched "You may not be aware, but our customs state that only a magical equal or inferior may stand as a second, third, or so forth."   
It was here that Nicholas stepped in on Harry's behalf. "Malfoy, Harry here has bested me in duel, battle, and chess many a time, I am privileged and honoured to stand as his second."


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took so long to update this, I'll try to shimmy some writing time into my schedule.

"Duellers, ready?" "Ready." Two voices responded in unison. "On my count, begin. Three! Two! One! Begin!" Instantly a multitude of lights began streaking towards the former Potions Master, the first several being nought but prank spells and the following ones being everything from bone breakers to the cousin of the cruciatus curse. An ebony haired body flopped to the flagstones. "Malfoy. Have you any compunctions to challenge me for the honour of the late Severus No Name?" Lucius Malfoy gulped and hastily tried to reassert his comportment. "None whatsoever, Goblin Friend, your duel was fair and honourable. I simply request to be allowed to take the body and give it a proper burial." The-Boy-With-Too-Many-Titles looked down at the mangled corpse at his feet. "Incendio. No you may not."

 

"For he's a jolly good feeeeelloooowwwwww......which nobody can deny!" The drunkenly chanted song finished with Sirius Orion Black, Head of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black, puking on his godson's shoes. Realising his error, he made an attempt to summon the Black family house elf Kreacher. "Krooty! Creepy! Croaker! Cricket!" He tried several times, to no avail. Taking pity on the fallen drunkard, Harry summoned Kreacher. "Take your master home to his bed and ensure you treat him with the respect he is due. Also, bring me Regulus' locket and I'll complete his mission. You'll get it back when I'm done." The elf's eyes swam with unimaginable gratitude "Kreacher will, Master. Master is noble to finish young master Regulus' final task." Harry settled with a pat to the small being's shoulder and a reassuring nod.

 

" _I have seen your heart, Harry Potter, and it is mine_ " A sibilant snort sounded through the room " _not bloody likely._ " The basilisk form of Harry James Potter-Black-Slytherin-Gryffindor sat coiled in the atrium of the Potter Citadel beadily eyeing his ancestor's gaudy locket. " _Hiss hiss motherfucker, time to die_ " and with that the monstrous beast sank its fangs into the necklace and released enough venom to completely obliterate the horcrux.


	24. Chapter 24

"Greetings, Harry Last Of The Potters." A solitary voice rent the darkness. Flailing ensued.

"Jesus buggering fuck what the shitting bollock dicks!?" the Lord of the Manor instinctively flung the nearest projectile at his attacker. For all the good a decorative pillow did. The intruder did have the manners to duck as if he could have by any stretch of the imagination been even remotely discomforted by the impromptu attack. 

"Fear not, Harry Last Of The Potters, I mean you no harm. I had not anticipated such a reaction, mayhaps I ought to have used the formal entrance of your domicile?" The smirk on the face of the could-be-an-assassin-but-just-not was effectively conveyed as he spoke.

"Fuck me sideways with a rusty cactus. Who are you, how and why are you in my room, and what do you want? Also cut the Last Of The Potters, crap. I don't need reminding of that." The boy grumbled, torn between ignoring the being in his room and going back to sleep or actually giving a fuck. 

"I am Terinne Last Of The Terinnoakhe, a Blood Elf, I come to offer you blessing, training, and an exchange. Though perhaps I should take my leave and return another time? Actually, I shall do this. But I leave you a gift, and hope you enjoy the freedom they bring as we Elfs do. Farewell, Harry, until we next meet." and with that the being was gone. Harry snorted to himself "Back to sleep I guess it is then." 

"Oi Potter. Get up, your dogs are going mental. Aw fuck, and apparently so am I."

"Great, good, yay for all of you, if you'll excuse me I have some sleep to be getting. WHAT JUST TOUCHED MY LEG!?" the child -though his seven foot height would fool anyone- took one look at the gossamer fine wings under him, squealed, and fell the fuck out of bed. "WINGS!? WINGS!? That fucker gave me wings!? I'm putting up war wards against the bastard and his ilk." As the brunet stood, fuming, his second uninvited guest of the morning was trying his hardest to remain upright given how hard he was laughing. "Love the flappers, Potter, very fetching." If anyone had entered at that moment they'd have seen the King of Hell fleeing -via window- from what could only be described as a Hulk with dragonfly wings. 


	25. Chapter 25

"Dereliction of duty, Auror Potter?"

"Suck my arse, I'm trying to sleep."

"Tut tut, Potter, what ever happened to constant vigilance? After all, there's a dark lord wandering around your house and you're not even awake to watch him."

"Ex dark lord, shut up."

"Such rudeness. I guess I'll just take away these pancakes you like so much. Maybe I'll feed them to that dratted kitten you insist on keeping around the place and wont let Nagini eat."  

"Oh bugger it all, get back in bed and bring those pancakes with you. You'd better have brought me coffee, too." 

"So rude. Maybe I ought to dispose of them anyway."

"You get between me and those pancakes and I'll feed Dolph and Bella to Nagini."  

"Merlin, man! They're good, I know, but they're not good enough to warrant killing your husbands best friends because he took them away. Sheesh. Now I see why everyone turns themself in rather than have you hunt them down." 

"I'm gonna eat you little mousey. I'm gonna eat you little mousey. Here mousey mousey mousey. Marv! So good to see you, did you see my mouse? It went this way, I'm certain."

"No, my dear, I haven't. Would you like a rabbit instead?"

"I'm offended that you even thought you had to ask. Also, you might want to smell less like your nest mate- the beast man will get all growly and grumpy. Last time he was so grumpy he stood on my tail trying to get away."

"Dear lady that was only because it was the morning after the full moon so his senses were still on full alert. Although if he does get grouchy I'll just lock him in his rooms with my dogfather again."

"I like this one, he can stay."  

"My dear it makes me happier every time you say that. Now, I do believe I saw somebody's favourite pheasants in the garden." 

"Favourite human. Marvolo, you keep this one or I'll eat you." 

 

Sirius Black ran screaming shrilly through the halls of the Potter Citadel, running as fast as his legs could carry him to his godson's suite. "HAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY! HARRY!" He sprinted down the oak floored corridor in his socks, slipping horrendously around corners only to scramble to his feet and continue his desperate journey. He was met most of the way there by his quarry. "Harry please say I'm going mental and you've not shacked up with Moldyshorts and started calling him Marvolo, and his Merlin bedamned monstrosity of a snake 'dear lady'. Please say it was all a horrible nightmare?" 

"Of course it was, Siri, now get the fuck back to bed before I have Rosemary sit on you." and with that the bronze haired, gossamer winged, child stormed back to his rooms, muttering the whole way about mutts that ought to be neutered or put down.


	26. Chapter 26

"Holy mother of Merlin there has to be an easier way of doing this. Even muggles aren't this sodding backwards. Honestly, just kill me now, that way I never have to see another trunk again let alone heft it onto a shitty goddamn train."   
"Gosh, if you're this polite now I'd hate to see you when the Headmaster is handing the Gryffs points like there's no tomorrow."   
"Ah, Longbottom, I didn't know you'd be here this early, the train leaves in a whole fifteen minutes. Decided not to have to run for it this year?"  
"Merlin, that was five years ago and it was a portkey, leave off it will you?"  
"Never. Just like you'll never live down being three hours younger."

"I heard they tortured a group of Hufflepuffs in front of Snape last year, and he gave them forty points."  
"My sister said she heard from her dorm mate they kicked someone's kneazle kitten because one of them's allergic."

"What a term it sounds we had, gosh, wish I'd been there for half of the stuff we did."  
"We'd certainly have spent less time doing homework, that's for damned sure."

"Students are reminded that the Forbidden Forest is not in fact a misnomer, and is still -even after a hundred years- actually forbidden."  
"Can't believe that spider ratted us out. Bastard thing."   
"Could have been that centaur that didn't like you flirting with his daughter. He looked mighty pissed."   
"Students are also reminded that neither the acromantula colony, nor the centaur tribe are to be trifled with, should one disobey and intrude upon the forest."  
"Well that doesn't bloody narrow it down. Fucks sake."  
"Nor is anyone allowed to be breeding basilisks. Even if it is 'For Science'."   
"Well shit, guess we're back to the inkingboard."


	27. Chapter 27

I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark

"I've finished my lines, professor, may I go now?"  
"You may, just don't do something like that ever agin."

 

"MISTER POTTER!!"

I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark  
I will not transfigure the giant squid into a shark


	28. Chapter 28

Chaos. Complete and utter chaos.   
It was things like this that made Minerva McGonnagall want to fake her own death and move to Tibet. 'I didn't sign up for shit like this' she thought to herself as she saw a fifteen foot tall Cerberus lumbering down the corridor, tongues lolling and drool flying. The number three on its back was especially concerning, however. "I should have quit the moment potter was sorted." she muttered before sending a lasso at the legs of the hurtling beast. It roared its displeasure and answering calls could be heard reverberating through the castle, both from the dungeons and the upper floors. Then the screaming started. Quickly the professor transfigured the creature into a miniature version of itself, levitated it, and charmed it to follow her as she ran towards te sounds of distressed students.   
Arriving at the entryway to the great hall she saw a horde of students clamouring outside the large oak doors, and noted the Creevey boy taking pictures with his dratted camera. "Out of the way, please, what seems to be the problem here?" a dozens squawked responses of "big dogs!", and "Cerberi" could be heard through the furor. "Cerberi? How many?" a prefect stepped forward with the information "four, professor, one at each table. They have the numbers one, two, four, and eight." at this a look of consternation crossed the face of the transfiguration professor. "eight of the damn things loose in a school. This has Potter written all over it." she muttered, before addressing the students "all of you to you common rooms, the meal will be served there." 

One conjured harp later and the great hall was safe, allowing the elderly Scot a moment to send a messenger Patronus to one Harry Potter. "Potter. The great hall. Now." this was followed shortly by the arrival of the child with two hellhounds in tow, numbers six and seven visible on their flanks. 

 

Students arriving for dinner that evening noticed the Slytherin points glass empty, as well as all other houses' glasses at least fifty points better off.


	29. Chapter 29

“Harry, my boy, you requested to see me?” Albus too-many-goddamn-names Dumbledore sat behind his desk in the Head Office if Hogwarts, looking partially down, partially across, his crooked nose. “I did, I’d like your permission to sit my OWLs and NEWTs here in the next few weeks. Before you say anything, no, I’m not telling you where I’ve been the last few years, and I’m most definitely not returning to the Dursleys any Merlin damned time soon. Nor will I be your poster boy simply because of a ridiculous prophesy that you misinterpreted. So, my exams?” the tousled haired brunet in front of the aging wizard sat calmly watching the defeater of Grindlewald go through several emotions before reigning himself in and calmly asking “And what makes you so certain you could pass them all?” the child smirked- in a way reminiscent of every Potter male before him when plotting to inconvenience someone greatly. I can fidelius your office, if you’d like? Or maybe yourself? Or maybe I could just give you this sample of Felix Felicis I brewed. With ingredients I gathered like this” and with that there was a small capuchin monkey perched in the seat of the visitor’s chair. “Quite apt, I think, don’t you?”


	30. Chapter 30

POTTER THE YOUNGEST NEWT GRADUATE IN HISTORY  
By Rita Skeeter.

It has come to the attention of this reporter that The-Boy-Who-Lived, or very own Harry Potter has this morning completed all of his OWLs and in fact, dear readers, his NEWTs.

  
Harry Potter is a student at Hogwarts- where else would the saviour of the wizarding world go? and is quite controversially, a Slytherin. Young Lord Potter was not the only surprising sort this year, as Scion Malfoy found his way into Hufflepuff, and the Scion of the Longbottom family- son of respected aurors Alice and Frank Longbottom, found himself also making a home in the green and silver dungeons.

The general consensus to Potter’s sorting was that he would finally bring back the glory that Slytherin House once found attributed to it.

For more, see page 4.


	31. Chapter 31

“Crowley, get your arse here now, don’t make me Beetlejuice you.”  
“Good lord, child, you really know how to inspire joy in the hearts of men, don’t you?” The demon responded sarcastically, mildly curious as to the madness behind why he was being summoned this time. The boy in front of him- not that he’d have called the child any such thing had he not been aware of his identity beforehand due to the grotesque mismatched hodgepodge of features that the boy seemed to delight in sporting whenever the King of Hell was due to visit. 

“Funny. I’ve brought you a present. Well, okay, technically I’ve just paid off a debt, but still.” Remebering his nifty spellwork the child facepalmed and wafted his hand in the direction that Crowley was confusedly staring at. “Vernon amd Petunia Dursley are the familial relations of Harry Potter.” And with that the knowledge fidelius was lifted for the demon, causing his rugged features to light up with manic glee. “Potter, I could kiss you. I’ve got so many plans for these pieces of scum.” Noting the muggles’ lack of reaction to his pronouncement he whipped his head round to face them fully, upsetting the giant sombrero that had somewhen made its way to sit atop his head.

“Potter, I’m going to rip you limb from limb, feed you to your dragons, and hang your genitals in a glass case in the middle of Diagon Alley with a sign proclaiming them yours and available to the highest bidder. I wonder what would happen then, hmm?” The further into this proclamation the more terrified the Dursleys became, and the more amused Harry grew. “Sure you will, just like you’ll feed Sirius to Remus on a full moon and film it for me to watch later as Draco Malfoy uses my spine as a footrest. Not. Going. To. Happen.”


	32. Chapter 32

"Terrinne, lovely to see you under better circumstances. What can I do for you?"  
"Harry Potter, a pleasure to see you. I understand you like my gift." The blood elf responded, smirking slightly, fully aware exactly how annoying the appendages were to grow accustomed to. The dark haired child grumbled good naturedly "I don't suppose you'll tell me how you stop them from tearing through clothing? I've become disgustingly proficient with the repairing charm." The elder being chuckled slightly "You simply will them to the elven plane. There they will remain invisible to your human companions unless they have the gift of Mage Sight."   
The meeting continued well into the afternoon, and both parties came away satisfied with the deal that was struck. The elfs would assist in the destruction of Voldemort, and Harry would make appearances on State visits on behalf of the human world to keep the elfish world updated. 

"Welcome to Gringotts, wizard, what can we do for you today?"   
"I have a meeting with Ragnok the Bloodthirsty, Teller Griphook."


	33. Chapter 33

"Greetings, Chief Goblin, may your enemies tremble before you and your blade sing at the taste of their blood."  
"Well met, Lord Potter, may you be triumphant in all you do."  
The two magical beings lapsed into a comfortable silence as an aide fetched all the requested paperwork to employ the young shapeshifter as a gemcrafter and wardsmith

"I must commend you, young Warrior." Harry started at the form of address- the highest a goblin could ever hope to achieve, and one a human had never held before. "You have consistently exceeded our expectations, and as a Potter those were dauntingly high even from the beginning. I've half a mind to deem you an honorary goblin and train you our way- Nimue only knows Albus-too-many-names-and-not-enough-respect-Dumbledore isn't going to do it. Damn that man and his prophesy." The young lord Potter started at hearing this. "You know the prophesy, your majesty?" Ragnok merely chuckled at his young protege. "Of course, every prophecy known to magic is immediately know to Goblinkind, we are immeasurably intertwined with the natural magics of the old ways." Harry found himself suitably impressed, and it must have shown on his face as Ragnok snorted in amusement.

"And here are your quarters, you will find a map to wherever you need to go is on the wall next to your door with a pamphlet on how to use it sat on the table under it. Mealtimes are at seven, twelve, and seven- there is a communal dining hall if ou so wish or you are welcome to stay and eat in your quarters you have a fully equipped kitchen with all the latest technology and replenishing cupboards. We'll see you at eight tomorrow morning, Master Gemcrafter."


	34. Chapter 34

A huge crowd of awed goblins stood in a ring around their newest colleague, watching in awe as the pile of gems in front of the young wizard were surrounded in a white light and seemed to flow as if a liquid into a large jagged mass. One of the more astute of the crowd gasped as he realised exactly what the child was doing. "A thirten layer, thirteen point dwarvensilver wardstar. Lord Potter, you have revolutionised the future of Gringotts." and as one the assembled masses fell to their knees before the raven haired boy, some openly weeping. Harry just stood there awkwardly, still shaping the star beyond thirteen layers and points and only halting at twenty seven. One of the goblins nearest the doors quickly bolted from the room, intent on informing Ragnok himself that he needed to see the spectacle in the gemcrafting room. 

"Potter!" Ragnok the Bloodthirsty boomed immediately upon his arrival startling the young Lord. "Show me this revolution I'm told you've created. If it's anything like the majesty I'm led to believe it has then you've just made yourself and us an absolute fortune." The only human in the room surrendered a fist sized gem, sheepishly. "I had to shrink it, it was about seven feet tall." One lone tear escaped the eye of the goblin king, and tumbled into his quivering beard. "Nimue's tits, Potter. There isn't enough gold in Gringotts to pay you for this. Anything at all you require henceforth, the goblins will make it so." This gave the young wizard an idea "Bellatrix Lestrange's Vault. In there is a horcrux." ignoring the hisses and snarls, he carried on "It is in the cup of Helga Hufflepuff, and I need it destroyed."

A ghastly scream rent the air and the shade of Lord Voldemort dissipated in a noxious smelling cloud of gas.


	35. Chapter 35

ONE OF A KIND NEW WARDSTONE ON AUCTION  AT GRINGOTTS

Gringotts newest employee has wowed both goblins and humans alike by creating an impenetrable wardstone.

 

This newest wardstone is twenty seven layers of twenty seven pointed stars, which before it was shrunk by its creator stood at seven foot tall, dwarfing the goblins that witnessed the momentous occasion. A statement was issued by a gringotts representative this morning:

“Our newest employee has completely revolutionised the future of both Gringotts and the wizarding world. We have tested this new wardstone extensively and so far none of even the most extreme spells can penetrate it, nothing our cursebreakers have tried has proven effective- even the killing curse cannot go through this new ward. We have one for auction today, this is the first of its’ kind available to the public, the original of course being kept by its creator. The auction hall will be open from three this afternoon for those either bidding or merely spectating.”

So there you have it, readers! Gringotts at three to become part of history! As well as the historic creation, whomsoever buys the stone will in fact receive a feature spread three pages long in tomorrow's Prophet, complete with photoshoot. Also the goblins have assured us that the winning bid will be split 70/30 between the creator and gringotts itself. As these wardstones become more commonplace there will be payment plans available, and the most wealthy of buyers can request for a fee to have the creator install the actual stone. 

More on this as it develops.

Rita Skeeter.


	36. Chapter 36

The auction attracted all sorts to Gringotts that afternoon, and the bidding reached a whopping G450,000,000 courtesy of the Malfoy Estate, when having slipped in unbeknownst to the crowd a solitary voice called "G500,000,00 and a working Alchemist's Stone, with a further G200,000,00 for Gringotts itself." The shrouded figure at the front of the room chuckled and shucked the hood from his head "But Nicky, you promised me that for my Birthday! I wasn't expecting that for months, old man. You're skimping out and you know it." The wizened wizard merely chuckled, "That I am, lad, and you can't even bust my balls for it as the wards are impenetrable." Nicholas Flamel may have missed the smirk on the teen's face, but the goblins didn't. They knew right away that the teen had engineered a way to be automatically accepted through his wards. As this exchange was taking place the Daily Prophet was having a field day, snapping pictures of no only the legendary Nicholas Flamel, but also a fuming pair of wizards in the name of Lucius Malfoy and Albus Dumbledore. Though the former became twice as enraged when it turned out that in among all the hustle and bustle of event someone had charmed his hair in to what could only be called a Mohawk. Worse, it was alternating scarlet and gold stripes.


	37. Chapter 37

A loud crack sounded, causing the people in the room to flinch and reach for their wands. "Ellie, Nicky, good to see you both, why haven't you been round for dinner lately?" The ageing couple gaped at their intruder, Nicholas scowling furiously "Impenetrable wards, eh?" Harry smirked, "Only if you're not me, it's great- I'm gonna make sure all the death eaters get them and then kill them in their own homes. Not even the DMLE will be able to get in, it's foolproof."

"Lucius Malfoy. For crimes against Wizardry, you are sentenced to life without magic, and no one will ever know you exist." The Malfoy patriarch blanched, staring fearfully into the mask of the man that had burst into his private study. "Your son has also faced the same fate, the Malfoy line is no more." With a few flicks of his hand the blond felt himself ripping in half and knew no more. 

"WIZENGAMOT SEAT APPEARS  
In this morning's Wizengamot meeting an outrage occurred as a new seat made itself known in the historic chambers of government."  
Sirius Black sat in the library of the Potter Citadel reading about his godson's latest activities, before heading off to feed the animals. The family of dragons landed gracefully, the smallest one taking great care with her enchanted backpack, as it contained her soon to be siblings, each egg having been swathed in cushioning and warming charms before being gently lowered into the extension-charmed rucksack. Saffron Potter could regularly be heard chatting away in Parsel to the eggs she carried around, telling them everything from the feel of the sun on her scales to the joy of playing with the three-headed dogs that roam the grounds. 

"Thorfin Rowle. For crimes against Wizardry, you are sentenced to life without magic, and no one will ever know you exist." The Rowle patriarch blanched, staring fearfully into the mask of the man that had burst into his private study. "Your sons have also faced the same fate, the Rowle line is no more." With a few flicks of his hand the ebony haired man felt himself ripping in half and knew no more. 

"SECOND NEW SEAT APPEARS IN WIZENGAMOT CHAMBERS  
Yet another new seat has been made in the sacred government halls, and the minister is doing all he can to stratify the public and find suitable candidates to fill the newest vacancies."

"ABANDONED SHOP IN DIAGON ALLEY UP FOR SALE  
On the morning of Friday the 12th, there will be an auction for the premises next to Ollivanders, no one knows how long it has lain abandoned as there seem to be ward based cleaning charms over the entire building."


	38. Chapter 38

"And SOLD to Mr Potter, for G450,000. May your gold ever flow."

Harry stood in the foyer of his newly acquired premises, 'suck it, Rowle, I'm gonna do something horrendously muggle.' he thought, remembering the atrocities the late death eater got away with, using his potions shop as a front for a brothel using Imperiused muggle women and girls. The first thing to do, Harry realised, was to figure out what to sell. 

The Pottery's grand opening was massively attended, as wizards had never seen, heard of, or even thought about a library cafe- let alone one with kitten pens where one could pick a kitten to snuggle with whilst chatting to one's companions. It soon became a hit with all the society ladies, particularly the Greengrasses, and Parkinsons whose daughters dragged them there at every available opportunity. 

"Potter, what is this?" a furious growl came from the corner of the shop. "That, Crowley, is a pen full of kittens, they think you're a climbing frame." true to the young shifter's words the king of hell found himself being climbed by no less than fifteen kittens of assorted colours, and tiny fluffy ginger one being the first to clamber up to the demon's shoulder, mewling proudly, signaling to his companions to give up their attempts. He soon felt the sharp sting of twenty eight pairs of claws as the creatures launched themselves from him. 

"Hey, pup, how's the business goiAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" Catching one glimpse of the feline mass in the pen the Black Lord ran screaming from the building, dignity be damned.


	39. Chapter 39

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" the class all immediately froze, staring at the source of the noise, and came face to face with a sulky Neville Longbottom. "What?" he asked, huffily "So a crappy old building can scream and that's all normal, just haunted and whatever, but when I do it I'm being a nuisance and disrupting the lesson?" The latest DADA professor just sighed. "10 points from Slytherin, mister Longbottom, and maybe next time you'll think before imitating a building." 

The headmaster stood in his office, posing officiously and posturing at his gilded floor to ceiling mirror "The name's Dumbledore. Brian Dumbledore. Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Album Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.". He never saw, too focused on himself, the disdain shown by the copious portraits around the room.

Remus Lupin was a man on a mission, he'd heard some teens laughing about something and thanks to his werewolf hearing now saw a golden opportunity. This somewhat explained why he was in Hogwarts at two am doing an enormous amount of spellwork and setting up an enormous prank. Later that morning Harry sat at the green and silver bedecked table, frowning softly before doing as the letter he had found on the table with his name on and having cast dozens upon dozens of obscure revealing charms now confidently held bade "here come dat boi" he said, tentatively, certain he'd regret doing so for a very long time "OH SHIT WHADDUP!?" Peeves screamed as he barrelled through the rafters of the Great Hall.


	40. Chapter 40

"Oh shit, I've fallen and can't whaddup." came the grating voice of Peeves the poltergeist, from roughly the level of the floor, the passing students however had more interesting things to pay attention to. The nearby portraits, however, huffed and sent for the Bloody Baron. "Peeves, stop your nonsense, that's not been funny for months." the spectre seemed unwilling to be in the presence of the eldritch apparition "I can't, your bloodliness, there's a compulsion, every time someone else says oh shit, or boy, I go off on one. Really Mr Bloody Baron, sir, I don't mean to." 

 

"Harry, I've got a bloody great idea and it's super illegal but it's very time consuming and you'll have to house as many as we make." 

 

The Chamber of Secrets once again found itself as a basilisk's lair, but this time home to a pair, Salmisra and Beldaran courtesy of Sirius' latest literary conquest. Harry himself had used his shapeshifting powers to create these giant serpents, he had first been the hen to lay the eggs and then the toad to incubate them. As such he thought of the overlarge beasties as his daughters.


	41. Chapter 41

It was rare for the room of requirement to be used for a purpose of such magnitude, usually it became an out of the way broom cupboard, or a bathroom, sometimes a bedroom, but never before had it seen a ritual like this.   
If there had been a rune translation expert in the room they'd have been fascinated, runes for redemption, apologies, making amends, and correction of a mistake littered the floor and the walls, whilst runes of commitment, revenge, and -strangely enough- mayhem were linked together in chains across the ceiling interspersed with ones meaning diligence, recklessness, mischief, and miscellany. 

A week beforehand: 

"Paddy, you ever feel like the world's going to shit? Like there's something out there controlling everything that's kinda losing the plot a bit?" Sirius Black eyed his godson warily "I think you might have had too much to drink there coils, even by my standards you're going barmy." a slurred response came from the armchair nearest the fire "barmy? I'll show you barmy you mangy mutt."   
A few hours later Harry Potter woke up to a bizarre sight. In his own handwriting, scruffy though it was, the words BARMY and REQUIREMENT were scrawled on the wall. "What the actual fuck is that supposed to mean?" he wondered out loud. Shrugging, the dark haired teen made his way downstairs to breakfast. Or, more accurately, lunch as his drunk self had raided the pantry at abouthalf five that morning apparently muttering about self cooking chicken whilst rooting around in the cupboards for Remus Lupin's secret stash of Honeyduke's finest.


	42. Chapter 42

Placing one drop of his blood on each and every single rune turned out to be a challenge. "Didn't feckin think this bollocks through, did I?" he muttered mutinously, flicking his wand and levitating himself half way to the ceiling before cursing like a sailor, lowering himself to the ground, and willing the room to lower the ceiling to a height he could reach. "Please tell me, what was the point in using this room if you're just going to forget you can change it, eh Potter?" the aforementioned wizard continued on, ignoring the sarcasm of the crouching demon, pausing only to chug another blood replenisher. 

Several hours later, and the room of requirement once again contained a raven haired teen and an ancient and somewhat pissed off phoenix doing something hideously reckless that might in fact kill them both and have enough magical backlash to decimate the whole of Scotland. With the final utterances of the centuries forgotten chant, a decidedly underwhelming "fizzle" set the universe to rights. No longer was Harry James Potter some all powerful shapeshifty near godly being, he now resumed being a powerful smartarse wizard with a vendetta against being normal. No longer there any dragons living at Potter Citadel, in fact it reverted back to being The Haven. No longer was the ancient Phoenix resentful of being included in actively tearing the space time continuum, not that any wizards would give a shit that Phoenixes knew about that sort of thing.


	43. Chapter 43

Ludo Bagman stood excitedly in front of the four Triwizard Champions holding a velvet bag that seemed to be suspiciously active. Each Champion withdrew an animated model from the pouch, Fleur Delacour drew a Swedish Shortsnout, Cedric Diggory received a Hungarian Horntail, Viktor Krum drew a Chinese Fireball, and Harry Potter carefully took a Welsh Green from the tiny bag. 

Bagman tried to take Harry aside, "no doubt to find out my strategy and bet on it" the teen thought, but Harry pled nerves and fled from the useless Ministry worker to sit with his fellow Champions. 

Each Champion had a different method of subduing their dragon to get the golden egg. Fleur used her Veela powers, enchanting it into a deep slumber and daintily sidestepping a sleepy huff of fire as she calmly walked to the nest and retrieved her egg. The Beauxbatons delegation were delighted, several sent clouds of tiny birds and butterflies from their wands in sheer delight, others conjured bouquets of flowers and floated them down to their Champion. Cedric conjured prey for the dragon to chase after placing a basic yet strong safety ward over the eggs in the nest. He too simply walked into and out of the nest, but he kept conjuring and transfiguring more creatures for the dragon to chase as he did so. Viktor to no one's surprise summoned his broom and flew literal rings around his dragon until it collapsed in a dizzy heap at which point the international Quidditch star swooped down and collected the golden egg.  
At last came Harry's turn, he'd awoken in the room of requirement three days previously not knowing how of why he was there, but glad to be surrounded by books about dragons. He had a plan now, ingenious if he did say so himself, and bloody fucking marvellous according to his favourite twin menaces. Stepping into the arena, Harry saw his dragon give him a cautious once over before dismissing him as a threat. Big mistake. Clearly he brandished his wand and shouted "Accio Skiving Snackbox!"


	44. Chapter 44

"Accio Skiving Snackbox!" and immediately one smacked into his awaiting palm courtesy of the Weasley twins "Nice one Harry!" "Give it hell!" came from the identical redheads. The dragons which had decided this walking twig was entirely unimportant now seemed to realise it wasnt just here for a nap and the meaty smelling twig might actually be worth paying attention to as it began making stuff fly towards it.   
Thinking quickly, Harry banished several small rocks at the dragon, trying to annoy it into roaring at him. He succeeded. A little too well, he realised, as the green beastie began hurtling towards him- much to the audience's delight. Muttering the banishing charm sent a purple pastille flew into the gaping maw of the now confused creature, which fortunately only caused its tongue to swell to horrendous proportions. Fortunate for Harry, who was entirely unequipped to deal with a dragon that was either puking its guts up or had a monstrous nosebleed. Longer and longer the appendage swelled, growing long enough to drag on the floor which the creature handily tripped over- whuffing pitifully, and feeling quite sorry for itself. "Sorry buddy, no hard feelings?" the teen queried as he cavorted past the downed beast with the golden egg in his clutches before stuffing the antidote between the dragon's teeth and scarpering quick-sharp towards the exit tunnel of the arena.   
"Harrykins-" "you did splendidly-" "couldn't have done any better ourselves-" "cheers for the free advertising-" "we'll definitely be raking in orders-" "now our stuff's been used-" "to slay a dragon!" as one, the twins lifted the skinny teen to sit on their shoulders as they paraded him to Gryffindor tower where a party of epic proportions awaited his presence. Banners hung everywhere in the common room, ones with lions, dragons, Harry's face, the Hogwarts crest, and a giant one across the fireplace read "YOU DIDN'T DIE!" which had been charmed -presumably by a seventh year- to roar at intervals, and to flash the writing in gold every few minutes. Harry found it all garish and ridiculous, especially seeing as how everyone had been treating him in the previous weeks. It was as if they thought he'd faked his magical oath, and had in fact put his name in -half his house wanted to know how he managed it, the other half wanting nothing to do with him and 'his attention seeking stunts, for the fourth year in a row.'

Snarling insults in Parsel, Harry stormed up to his dorm, and flopped onto his bed "Wankers, the lot of them -I could have died and for them its a fucking spectator sport." at this a nervous Neville Longbottom stuttered "I dddont thththink yyyou ennntered your nnname, yyyyou hate bbbeing ffffamous." this cheered the reluctant Champion up no end. "Glad I've got you in my corner, Nev."


End file.
